The last few days I have been going all over. Met a few new people to add to my life. Making plans to move from where I am currently at, which will happen in the next few months. Jenny finally got to Indianapolis and e-mailed me when she got there. I ended up meeting someone from myspace.com that was all by accident as I was walking by the livingroom coffeehouse with Pieter and happened to see her, and sit and talk, was interesting, and no strictly vegetarians cannot eat cheese. I always love people like that and she had the nerve to tell someone they weren't vegetarian cause they eat eggs, or the ones that just eat fish. She eats cheese. From a cow. Those things that go moo. It is dairy, still in the meat group, rich pretentious people that think they are right about everything make me smile. I don't think I will be hanging out with her anytime soon. Funny how people didn't think I was hardcore as them because of the way I was dressed. Hahaha. Sweeties it is all about the boyd rice and death in june. I don't have time for all these fake fanged fucks. Stick to your NIN and don't bother me please.Or your (ahem) 1100$ dolce and gabbana shoes ya freak. I think this is why I don't associate with most of the goths in my district, the rich ones that think junkies are hot. Time to get a life people.

Anyhow, me and pieter ended up going to the Rosary room, then to Sabbat. So much fun... I drank vodka as usual and had fun at pieter's expense because I told this guy that was hitting on him, that pieter was in the closet, which made him freak out, and of course made me smile. But it was funny, the guy needs to relax. And I got pretty drunk.

After that we ended up walking all the way down on university. To the F-street off of Park Blvd. To see my friend Melissa who I am supposed to go drinking with this upcoming thursday or saturday.And we are going to dance.Melissa, is really pretty, I haven't talked to her since I moved back and she was pretty thrilled to see me walk in and see her while she was at work at 10PM. Pieter stood there with his arms crossed as usual, he has a good time, but he can't keep himself entertained at all. Hard to tell when he is having a good time and when he isn't. He always has fun with me though, he told me.As we always meet so many new people.

Lets see michelle I am supposed to meet up with tomorrow, on tuesday, it was strange that day, because she started talking to me and I hadn't seen her in forever, she used to go to this coffeehouse called Old Vienna which was a nice spot for folks at night. I used to go there alot, but it has been closed for a couple of years. And she recognized me, and said I looked really good. And we talked about how everyone was, and how they were all doing the crowd I used to hang out with there, and she invited me to something called Caffeine's coffeehouse, and we are going to do something that evening.

I also am meeting another person I met right after Michelle, some girl named lizette. She is working at Vons in North Park. Mmmmmmm...We are meeting up later, since she gave me her number and e-mail.

And on the bus to shooterz with Pieter, some girl gave me her number, and I didn't even talk to her.And I ended up spending most of the day last night with her. And I went to the beach with her and her kid. Which was funny, because the little kid was spanish and looked just like me when I was a little kid. And then we ended up watching part of an Indie movie called Manic at her apartment and then she dropped me off at home. No chemistry there, I am just looking for casual romances now anyhow.

I also am supposed to be picking up a new leather jacket, and this one I will decorating. With my own tastes.Mmmmmm...mitternacht! This song always puts me in a good mood.It is such a beautiful darkwave dance song. Everytime I go to the club they play E-Nomine and I love dancing to it.Now time for me to get a mocha! Mitternacht!!!

When we touch the world

and it falls away,

and we feel that we are born,

Just to fall apart...
And our mother lies in state
And the broken pitcher glistens...
And the snow is at the window
Making neither sign nor symbol...
And the earth covers earth
And the mud lies in pools...

Where the sand-dunes stretch unbroken...
And the dry wind bends and sighs
And the geese are running harmless...
And our desires are running wild
When we're looking at the smoke...
That's rising from the incense
Neither coming here nor going..
Neither heaven here nor hell
Neither borning here nor birthing...
Neither dying here nor death

And we're wrapped inside our troubles...
And we're wrapped inside our pain
And wracked with fires with longing...
And our eyes are blind with night
With our fingers clutching coins...
And our thoughts burning with 'I'
And our eyes cannot be sated...
With the world and its nightmares
With the world and its dreams...
Though later they'll be filled
With a small handful of dust...
And the gods appear on altars
And we recognise their face...
It's a face that we have carved there
And it's full of fear and longing...
And promises and threats
But they neither stoop to conquer...
Nor do they stoop to praise
And the mines are void of diamonds...
That we carry in our rags

And all the world seems
A sadness song...

How do I feel? Refreshed, beautiful, happy, and young.I smiled the other day for the first time when I woke up. And I didn't have anything heavy on my mind or on my heart. And I know this.

And to you if you still read this you know who you are, I hope you the best and good luck to you in the future, and I hope what you find makes you happy, as time comes to pass I wish you well, and I think you are one of the best things to come off of meeting someone from online,and I won't forget you. I like to think of you as rather a good memory, but that is all you are now. And a fleeting one at that. And you will always have a small piece of my heart wherever you are or whoever your with.

Went to the beach for the last few days, ended up setting up one of my new friends with shelly when she came down from LA, now I have never seen her smile like that. And I smiled cause I felt happy for her. She is rid of her ex, and no more games which will bring her down. I also have made quite a few new friends, not for romance, but for friends, since alot of my old friends have not grown up, and have turned to drugs, or alcohol. I have let alot go and realize as much as I wish things to be, I must see them as they are.

I sang this and danced this song "Careless whisper", at a karaoke bar, with some friends, and I thought of everyone I had ever been in love with, it was like I was singing it to them and for them, and they were all there with me, and we were all happy, and I couldn't help but smile and feel loved for some reason,and I thought of all the good memories I had of everyone how they had come and gone.People actually applauded after I was done with my song. I was kind of sad, I have alot of memories, of all who have come and gone, and for all who I had wished so much to be with and for, and things fell apart through my fingers like sand. And this song I chose to sing, because it is how I felt for so many.

If you think of your life, and think of all who come and go, you come to realize that nothing lasts, as much as you hold on to it. And every dance I have danced with someone was different,but they were always a good memory it seemed during the song, or how they made me laugh and smile. And when I looked across the dance floor I saw myself with them, and of all the happy times we shared. Each and every one of them.And how every dance always came to an end. No matter how beautiful the person was, they always faded away in the end, and became just a memory.Or how perfect the moment was, that was always was all it just seemed to be. A moment.

I think I made alot of mistakes in a good amount of things, but I do not live with regrets so I move on. I am not online as much anymore, I don't see any reason to, alot of the people online I do not want to speak with anymore, for many reasons.

I ended up seeing Jenny and we ended up going to club 80's and to sunset cliffs, I have been there the last few nights with Jenny, then Lety, and also I have been hanging out with Pieter whenever I have had the chance.

Lety came down, she really likes me again. But she is still living in a fantasy world. The highschool world. And I do not have time for this anymore. I have made alot of changes in my life, my sister thinks it is a part of growing up. I have to agree. I am not attracted to her anymore, see when someone is conceited and they are not that hot they have no right to be. And she wants me to go to Sacramento with her. And I don't see this happening. Surrounding myself with Cocaine isn't really my thing. This time has come to pass. I wish for the best for myself and for her, and I am doing myself a favor by not talking to her anymore. She thinks she has hit the bottom but yet she has a safety net, so in reality she hasn't hit bottom yet. 

As for jenny she is working as a college teacher at one of the city colleges here in san diego, but I am not going to list it though, as it is not necessary for it to be known, and she is going on a road trip to see her family in a few weeks. I don't have the heart for any serious romances anymore, not anyone in my life made me this way, I just find it now easier for casual romance. And casual dating seems best for me. I always seem to get caught up in the moment. But now I just live for the moment and I have returned to the basics.

I saw becky again while I was walking down the street in downtown, but she is a long time past. And she looked at me and looked away in shame. At what she has become, she is hollow I could see it in her eyes.

I am not hollow. I am still here, still myself. And always will be.

I skipped xymox because I didn't want to see Denise or Alejandra, sometimes you just need to move on, you just get tired of fighting for things which are not meant to be. The past is called the past because it has come to pass. And is left behind. I am not a teenager anymore, so I have to start looking at things more so in an adult perspective, as much as I could wish it otherwise. I am going to be 23 in august.

I don't read other peoples journals anymore, so I am surprised if anyone still reads this. I am not bitter at all anymore, as I have let everything go which I held close to my heart. As bad as that might sound, it isn't.

I cannot hold onto something which I might have had my doubts ever existed in the first place, whether it be love or something like it. It never was there.

I have been casually dating a couple of people.We have talked about this. Since it is not serious, I do not have my whole heart in it, since I know it isn't meant to last. I choose to be casual now, in a sense it means I am alone, but yet I am not.

The sunset is beautiful at the ocean at the brink of the evening to come, as I watch it reaching out to enfold me in its arms of dying lights at the pier of the ocean, I know I will always have the night stars to enfold me, when I look up and make a wish. Before the last lights of the dying sun, comes to pass. I wish for something to fulfill me. And pray someday it may come to be.

And somehow I manage yet smile...And I know it will.

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Today is a beautiful day, I met this woman which I mentioned earlier and we are going on a date tonight, I am very excited we are going to be dancing, and then to the beach to dance and talk later after the club closes. I am going to buy her flowers. Which I am sure she will like. I met her by accident, which is very nice, while I was bar hopping, with my friends. And she has everything in someone I want, the good thing is we have alot of similar interests. And views on things, and all of her friends like me. So I am very happy. They are probably going to meet up with us at the club. She is coming to pick me up at 10. Time to drink and dance and enjoy my life, yes, also all my friends like her very much.

And tomorrow will be seeing shelly since she moved back from LA to here.We are going to run around in tijuana, and go to some stores, down there, and I will be stopping by eunice's, so we will be going for sushi.Mmmmm.

Jenny is going on a road trip so I won't see her for a week, so we will be seeing more of each other when she gets back.

"They will see us waving from such great heights"

"Come down now, they'll say"

"But everything looks so perfect from far away"

"Come down now"

"But we'll stay"

And I smile. And am happy.

So me and my new friend pieter went bar hopping a few nights ago and I ended up dancing with this amazing older woman. She rocks.She is alot older than me, but so much fun. The first bar we went to turned out to be a gay hole in the wall dive bar called Chee-chees, was funny, because the first thing that pieter told me was to not take him to a gay bar. Oops. It turned out everyone there was gay.Even the two grandmas were lesbians.Oh well. Then to a pizza place, we were going to be heading to Sabbat but it was too late, so we ended up going by Pokey's, at like 12AM.

And it was open lo and behold. So I started talking to this woman named jenny and we hit it off really well. We are going to club 80's this week. She is a teacher, and we danced all night, why pieter stared at the bartender. Ha. This drunk guy bought Saki for everyone there, Yuck. Can we say rice alcohol and rubbing alcohol taste the same. So we all started talking about the xymox show. And she was like wow, I was thinking about them all day, and she was telling me how they were big in detroit. And she told me I am Bello. Which is like beautiful for man. MmMMm. We ended up dancing all night to depeche mode, and drinking dos equis. Then in the end stray cats, rock this town. Last song. Then we went home. She was the door person, and gave me also a new single of morrisey that she was passing out. Then me her and pieter walked around drinking, and talking about some place called PJ's I was very buzzed by this time, so I was very amused by the whole situation, you always meet the best people by accident to. Very nice.We danced all night. Mmmm. I don't think I have had that much fun in a long time.

Speaking of fun times look like shelly is coming back into town as I got an e-mail from her today, and we are going to start hanging out again. Nice. Going to shows again, and more clubs are in the forseen future.

I am starting to write again. If you couldn't allready tell by the poem written below. Okay bye for now.